Last week, someone called me a Jesus freak. I know it was meant as an insult, but to me it was an honor I didn't feel like I deserved.
If I'm being perfectly honest, the title of 'Jesus Freak' is one I've always hoped I'd be worthy of someday; it's just that now doesn't really feel like the 'someday' I was waiting for. I'm not good enough for it yet.
I try my best to be a "good Christian", whatever that means; I try to be consistent in my relationship with God; I try to love people with my whole heart; but somewhere along the way, I always fall short. I guess being a Jesus freak is something I'd love to say I earned - the only problem is, I never even come close.
I've always been a perfectionist. I think we all are, to some degree. There's just something so addictive about feeling like you've done everything flawlessly, like you never have to be vulnerable. And sometimes I think it's too easy to get caught up in the attractive lie that perfection is actually attainable. It turns us into perfection junkies, always waiting for the next opportunity to prove ourselves to ourselves, always hoping next time will be different, always working ourselves to the ground to find acceptance in a lack of failure - because that's how we get our fix.
I don't know about you, but for me, getting high off of perfection only lasts so long. Before too long, that high turns into a deep low. Because even though we can lie to ourselves all day long, at night we know, deep inside, that we'll never be enough. We'll always want to be more, and more is a hole that just can't be filled.
So obviously when it comes to earning this whole 'Jesus Freak' title, I'm basically a train wreck. Trying to live up to God's standards is impossible, and it only leads to feelings of shame when I start to take in just how impossibly perfect God is and just how horribly imperfect I happen to be. That's one really bad side effect of getting high off of your own efforts.
The thing is, I don't have to try to live up to God's standards, because Somebody else already did that for me.
The very reason Jesus came to Earth is because I needed a Savior. The very reason I have hope is because of His perfect life and sacrifice. The very reason I could ever be called a Jesus Freak in the first place is because I recognize that I'm messed up, and He is perfect, and I need Him.
I guess sometimes I kind of miss the mark. And this time, I definitely missed the mark. I can't earn the title of 'Jesus Freak', because if I could, I wouldn't need Jesus in the first place. I am a Jesus Freak because I'm really sinful and Jesus saved me, not because I saved myself. If it was the other way around I'd be a Me Freak, and to be honest, that sounds pretty lonely anyway.
I never earned the title of 'Jesus Freak'. Someone else earned it for me.
Time to get high on His perfection.